the yesterday of tomorrow

hey neighbors, add me at my new account :

http://tracey721.vox.com/profile/

ok

so quickly, I want to say that yes, I've been gone for a while and I am creating a whole new journal here on vox.

so all my friends please add the new account. I will post the url as soon as I've created it (doing so now)

I found that I really wanted to write again :]

wow ...

am I still alive ?

Sex Research Devices
    Scientists test orgasms

I submitted this story to Digg a few minutes ago. And let me tell you, it feels good to submit, and to post in here again. I haven't really been doing much this way of the computer, so it's good to be back.

Enjoy, and I'll catch you later.

 finding the humor

boop

Right ok. So I haven't been on here in a while. I've been busy picking up the pieces of my many faces. I want to date, because I'm no good at being single while I want to stay single because I'm no good at relationships. Isn't that a doozy ?

So my mom calls me last night, and tells me that myself, my brother, my uncle and perhaps her cat have been replaced. She does this. I'm even more frustrated at it lately because in all the time, I have never been accused of having a doppleganger until recently. She must be appalled at my behavior - /sarcasm. I'm irritated at myself for not being able to leave behind the crazy of my family, but they need a rational mind - too bad they just never listen to it.

Andrew + Me ? Done. Guess I'll be kissing someone else for New Years, but don't kid yourself he'd be kissing someone else too. I think I'ma hit the bars... rotate the action. He's too young to come out with me anywhoo. Other people I may/may not date are basically out of the Q now because of their own andrews.

Hrm, random much ! I'm am SO excited for my vacation to Cali in Feb - I get to spend it with truly good friends, and I get to relax in the sun. All in all I'm doing fine, I finally got my work out routine back in order, I really do have fun being active. I recently bought myself some new games, and some new music. For the girlie girls out there, I recently pampered myself also - got my nails done all pretty like, got my hair cut and styled and bought myself some new clothes.

Snowboarding this weekend away !

Before we head into next year, we should stop and think about those whose lives ended this year, those who've gone through hardships and those who are surrouned by a war they didn't ask for. Love is universal, a language spoken by all. If you want to try hard enough you'll get your message across to anyone. What are we fearing ? Hate ? Is that all ? You can conquer hate, you can conquer fear, and not by putting up the tallest wall, or manufacting a hypersonic missile. Instilling fear into those whom you fear isn't the way to acquire peace - it will only gain death.

~

Let us support eachother, and even though it's difficult (because we all feel shame), we need to discuss our concerns and our mistakes and realize we are not all that much different from anyone else out there. We were born from the same, we die by the same.

~

As for me, I will mourn when the cultures of the world dissapear, when all we have left is inaccurate and biased history. When the only chance to look someone in the eye is in a painting or a picture that captured one moment of this world's poor condition.

I hope I never give up. I hope you don't either. You are given a taste of life for only so many years, why not try and make even a tiny impact on the world around you. I'm grateful for Christmas not because of gifts, not because of decorations, not even because of family - I am grateful for Christmas because it sends out a national reminder to hope.

It shouldn't take violence, or a crime to implement change. I'm not proud that I'm cynical in times like these, towards people who are suddenly congenial, charitable, and overzealous in their concerns simply because it's the trend of the season. I'm only that way for a brief while and mostly it comes from frustration, what are we all doing when there is no tragedy to cover ? Admire those who help out their friends, help out their neighbors, those who try and reach past an arms length.

Drink !

Eat !

Roast chesnuts by the fire !

Share a few laughs, and warm up with some hot cocoa, perhaps lose those cold edges you have gained over this year - warm up to the idea of peace.

the tree of life

Driving has saved my sanity more than once. The notion of escape is a novel one. Whether I'm behind the wheel controlling the speed or sitting in the passenger seat, practicing my blurring, focusing and un-focusing skills on the trees, raindrops, and lines of the road, I'm happy. I still Shadow-Jump and for those who have never played this game, it involves a car, an imagination, some shadowy lines and skill. I imagine that my car is hopping over every shadow on the road, one - two - higher - father - more speed - three ! I often wish that the road would never end which geologically I suppose that's plausible  

the long road

This weekend I did most of my Christmas shopping, I didn't spend as much as I usually do on Andrew I spoil boys, I really do. I didn't want to indulge him and get nothing in return as so usually happens. I want this Christmas to be all Norman-Rockwell, it's not going to be. Man this is so pathetic! I want to tell all, but here I am procrastinating! ok, tracey take the jump..

Goodbye Andrew - Hello same old, everything ?

     Normal ? No. Untimely ? Always. Frightening ? Surely. Safe ? Maybe. Loved ? Yes.

     Did the Chicken or the Egg come first ? tricky tricky

I've made a name defending those who screw up, I feel people deserve chances but it all becomes blurry when I'm involved first-hand in their mistakes. My father drank and had, let's say just a smidge of a mean streak, my mother just loves to turn things around, point the finger and be vindictive, she's also diagnosed with paranoia. My two brothers aren't around, so it's just me. On the good side, they are my family, and they've tried though failed to do right by me.

I'm horrible at taking my own advice yet terrific at giving it. I've been a catalyst for alot of people's sudden gumption towards life, yet I haven't started towards my dreams. And fuck, my dreams are all I have. I'm afraid to be with a good guy someone who doesnt mind being themselves and isn't afraid to say i love you in public,  it shouldn't be a secret. A large majority of the good guys come from good homes and can't contemplate why I think how I do, or protect those who've done me wrong, and hardly any of them know what an imaginary world is. The fog of make believe...where I used all my creative powers to make reality go away for a bit.

*

... ... Nick has been there since freshman year of highschool. He's done so much for me. Just recently I was at Andrew's yet Nick is the one who offered to spend the day Christmas shopping with me. He's always there. I appreciate that. Neal, I met when I was 14 online. Since then I've visited him in Cali, and he's always been a close companion of mine. Of the 'good ones' Neal comes to mind. I'm attracted to very intelligent people. I'm attracted to those who have confidence because believe it or not, I do have tons of self confidence. It's not a "I don't believe I can" situation with me. It's a "I can't get over my fucking past" kind. This is me if you were wondering.

I'm avoiding talking about Andrew. So let's get to it. Even though I'm walking away from it for the umpteenth time there is no clear solution. I know I sound miserably dependent on him, but I'm not. In fact, it's fairly easy to keep on living my life, and when I'm not focusing on him, I'm focusing on my dreams. I'm happiest being independent but at the same time I'm connected, and drawn in such an immense way to him. a cruel joke of the universe I'm afraid yet I fight. I take pride in fighting for those you love, fighting against all I perceive as injustice I also take pride in putting my drawings on my fridge ^_^  I'm optomistic I'll give me that, I'm also a perfectionist who loves to procrastinate. grab this bull by the balls and turn it around. 
I'm tired of the girls, I'm tired of the lies. I'm fed up with the lack of concern for others. I am tired of his laziness, I am tired that he doesn't take responsibility. I'm angry that he finds a way to sneak out of the relationship before I can end things. I don't want to wonder about his actions. If he was dying and someone asked him 'who is your girl?' he would say 'Tracey'. If he was to need someone it would be me. When I leave, it kills him. If I died, he would become sick from grief same for me. Passion rises and falls with tremendous power between us still i love him

of this post

c       f       t

 o       l       e

  n.       i       d.

             c.

He's a cold-hearted snake
Look into his eyes
Oh he's been telling lies
He's a lover boy at play
He don't play by rules
Girl don't play the fool

You're the one givin up the love
anytime he needs it
But you turn your back and then he's off
runnin with the crowd.
You're the one to sacrifice
anything to please him
Do you really think he thinks about you
when he's out

It was only late last night
He was out there sneakin'
Then he called you up to check that you
were waiting by the phone
All the world's a candy store
an he's been trick or treatin.
When it comes to true love girl with him
there's no one home

You could find somebody better girl
He could only make you cry
You deserve somebody better girl
He's cold as ice

He's a cold-hearted snake
Look into his eyes
Oh he's been telling lies
He's a lover boy at play
He don't play by rules
Girl don't play the fool

Show us something you hold dear.
Submitted by Cindercone.